In Response to Ann Coulter….

Published July 15, 2014 by Missey Twisted

The most exciting and anticipated weeks of summer drew to a close yesterday when Germany took the World Cup by a narrow 1-0 win over Argentina.  Futbol (or as we backwards Americans call it, soccer) is the one team sport I actually enjoy watching.  Like the American mis-named football (where the ball is mostly carried by hand), basketball, baseball, and hockey, it does take a team to win it.

In June, columnist Ann Coulter wrote an article blasting soccer, calling it a “sign of the nation’s moral decay.”  Although soccer/futbol can be boring, the 2014 World Cup proved many of her points erroneous.

First, Ann claims that individual achievements are no big factor.  Along with that, she claims there are no heros.  Ann, doubting people, and world, meet Germany’s Miroslav Klose, who holds the record of 16 goals scored in World Cup games.  And speaking of Germany, “Super Mario” Goetze, kicked the goal that won Duetschland’s title.  This single shot is now called “the goal heard around the world.”

Goetze (L) and Klose during a friendly match before the World Cup.  Image from gmanetwork.com

Goetze (L) and Klose during a friendly match before the World Cup. Image from gmanetwork.com

 

Now, on to us Americans, who are improving their skills in the World’s Game.  My man, goalkeeper Tim Howard, earned his own Sweet Sixteen, by blocking 16 shots in a single match from Belgium.  This is the most he’s stopped in his career, and the most attempts blocked in the World Cup in a single game since the 1950’s.  If Tim hadn’t been such an epic hero, the Belgium-U.S. game would have looked more like the Germany-Brazil stomping.

Tim Howard and his awesome beard. Image from goal-news.com.

Tim Howard and his awesome beard. Image from goal-news.com.

And lastly on Ann’s point of there being no individual achievements in soccer, yes, there is an MVP award.  Lionel Messi of Argentina was awarded with the trophy, along with the Golden Glove award presented to the German tank goalkeeper, Manuel Neuer.  Though us Americans will argue that Tim Howard deserved that coveted Glove.

Ann indicates that there are no “humiliations” or major injuries in soccer.  Well, if you didn’t pay attention to the matches of the 2014 World Cup, pay attention now.  American team captain Clint Dempsey and Jermaine Jones, midfielder, both sustained broken noses.  Jozy Altidore tore his hamstring in the first U.S. match and did not play for the rest of the tournament.  Alvaro Pereira of Uruguay took a knee to the head and was knocked out cold, lying unresponsive on the ground.  In the final match, Germany’s Christoph Kramer took a jarring hit to the head that sent him spiraling to the ground, and he may have a concussion.  He appeared very dazed after bouncing off the opponent’s shoulder and a few minutes later, required assistance off the field.  And, oh yeah….

BRASIL’S STRIKER NEYMAR HAS A FRACTURED VERTEBRAE!!!!

Image from thenews.com.pk

Image from thenews.com.pk

No humiliations in front of millions of people?  This year, the host team of Brasil was crushed by the Germans.  The German team played with absolute precision, and the sloppy and impulsive Brazilian team was no match for them. This video about sums up the 7-1 score game :

The host nation sadly left the field that day knowing they had let their entire country down, playing on their own home grounds.  And they did it in front of millions of people.  Then during the final match, a BILLION spectators watched Argentina’s Messi miss his free kick.  He was so disappointed that he appeared to not look fans in the eye when accepting his MVP award.

And obviously football is not played with your hands. ITS WHY THE WORLD CORRECTLY CALLS IT FOOTBALL. The absence of being able to catch the ball makes footballers use specific athletic skills to carry it down the field.

Perhaps this comparison to America’s favorite past time will help non-football (soccer) fans understand the excitement:  If you enjoy baseball, you find it exciting that people stand in a diamond shaped field and wait for a ball to come their way.  You hold your breath once the bat cracks the leather ball, sending it soaring, anticipating that no one will catch it.  You stand up and cheer when its a base hit or better yet, a home run.

The same goes for the real football.  A defender kicks the ball past forwards, the midfield players pick it up and toggle it around their opponents.  Then the correctly shaped ball is kicked to a forward, who skillfully pops it around shark-like defenders.  Fans in the stands and at home stand up and clench their fists, heart racing, eyes unblinking and glued to the action.  And lastly, the striker succeeds at kicking it past a 6-foot-plus, 200 pound goalkeeper with ninja reflexes.  Nothing but Net.

So, you don’t like real football.  And I don’t like American football.  But don’t, for a second, think that it’s what has “demoralized” me. ;)

Urban Adventure with Arthur

Published July 4, 2014 by Missey Twisted

Due to the Mother Nature celebrating her immense freedom of slamming the Eastern Seaboard with Hurricane Arthur, the Boston Firework Spectacular was moved to July 3rd. Seeing that it was a quick decision and being on a business day, we guessed that it might not be as crowded as our first adventure to the show a few years ago. So we parked at Alewife, took the subway into Cambridge and found a spot right in front of the barge on the Charles River.

The Boy and I playing Trash while waiting for the big show.  Good to see him not glued to his phone.

The Boy and I playing Trash while waiting for the big show. Good to see him not glued to his phone.

The Boston Pops performed, a children’s choir sang that “Frozen” song, and the Beach Boys played three songs.  Everything needed to be slightly rushed as the skies grew darker.  For some reason, right before the fireworks began, Fenway’s lights came on and illuminated the entire river.

Yes, the firework show was indeed dazzling, even though the Pops did not get a chance to play the 1812 Overture. And no, I do NOT have any pictures or videos of the spectacle, as I am NOT a dee-oosh who blocks everyone’s view of the fireworks with their stupid phones!!!  You know who you are dee-ooshes!  Yeah! You show up at the last minute, standing in any crack you can find, totally in the way of spectators who claimed their spots an hour ago and aren’t jerks who set up camp on the sidewalk!  Seriously, does the show look better through your tiny damn phone screen?!

Deep breath. But the fireworks aren’t the story we will be telling our family at Christmas or our future grandchildren.

With smoke still lingering in the indigo Boston sky, everyone packed up chairs. We froze when hearing a commentator over the loudspeaker thanking everyone for attendance, but we needed to

E V A C U A T E.

Like cattle, hundreds or thousands of people herded across away from the river and towards the Kendall train station. First, the sky lit up again.  But the fireworks were over.  Lightening illuminated Boston’s cloudy, churning sky.  Thunder rumbled.  We reached the outbound train station and within a couple of minutes, people began screaming like a tidal wave was spilling into the streets of Cambridge, Mass.  We could then hear rain pellets pounding the buildings.  Then, WOOSH!

As Arthur’s edge collided with fronts from the north, huge rain drops pelted us poor souls.  More screams of unnecessary panic rang through the wet streets as people dashed to the Mariott hotel, towards the Chipotle, or under whatever covering they could find.  We crowded the entrance to Kendall Station, and my heart beat raced as I feared the impact of panicked humans, and the Mister voiced that someone may get hurt. Umbrellas fanned out, but quickly folded backwards as Arthur’s winds gusted.  Raincoats began wearing people instead of the other way around as the water fell relentlessly.  The Boy, frustrated by drunk or rude spectators during the show, donned his Ramones sunglasses in the blackness of the storm and stood defiantly out in the downpour until the crowd slowly piled into the safety of the train stop.  When the wind died down, he opened the umbrella.  As the weather and people calmed a bit, the Mister got out the camera.

Caught in the storm! As you can see, the Boy was not amused at first.

Caught in the storm! As you can see, the Boy was not amused at first.

Soaked to the bone while waiting for the train!

Soaked to the bone while waiting for the train!

My husband and I laughed loudly as our wet clothes clung to our skin.  My Chuck Taylor shoes turned into puddles that splashed with each step.  Finally the crowd started moving under the direction of the T’s security.  I was bumped and shoved as we inched towards the steps and called out politely for people to remain calm and not trample me.  It worked, as others scooted away from me. Hanging on to the Mister’s hand so not lose him, we carefully took each slippery step down. The Boy predicted the ride on the subway to be “soggy human soup.” And he was right. Soaking people sat in chairs and hung on to rails, but all were in good spirits, at least on our car.

Four stops later, we reached Alewife where the Beetle was parked. While waiting 45 minutes in line to exit the parking garage, I took off my shoes and rung out my sopping socks.  Not many radio stations came in under the garage, so I slid in my Ramones collection CD and we rocked out to American punk to make the wait easier.

Although I will always have the fireworks beautifully exploding in my memories, Arthur’s July 3rd storm will was the moments that brought on the most laughs and memorable moments.

Enjoy your holiday weekend, America!

The Zombies Are Here….

Published June 22, 2014 by Missey Twisted

Undead War

 

The Zombie Apocalypse is upon us!

Dead Guns Press has unleashed a collection of zombie tales,

featuring my short story

MAY DAY WORLD

published under my pen name, Kameryn James.

Availabe from Amazon.

“May Day World” is based upon an extremely vivid dream I had a in 2012 about the zombie apocalypse and how it changed my family.
Here is an excerpt from the beginning:

     Many months have passed since the husband, Liam, and I had a shouting match, for such noise attracts Them.  And They bring death, or something like it. Our last argument was shortly after the bombs left craters on the western seaboard, instantly killing an unmeasurable amount of people and filling the air with devastatingly powerful toxins. We were both in such shock, and I was providing crisis counseling to many people who lost relatives, and we took our stress and anxiety out on each other.
   Little did we know that the bombs were only the beginning.

So if you would like to add zombies to your summer, don’t miss out on The Undead War!  Maybe we’ll all learn a few new survival tips!

Adventure Time in Maudslay State Park!!

Published May 28, 2014 by Missey Twisted

This Memorial Day, my mountain bike finally tasted the dirt it so missed since Massachusetts likes to keep paving my paths!  I stuffed the bike into the Beetle and drove to the absolutely beautiful Maudslay State Park in Newburyport, MA. It only costs $2.00 to park, and the area is open from dawn until dusk.  This gorgeous land has open fields for picnics, kite flying, or relaxing.  Hiking, horse back riding, and biking trails meander along the Merrimack River.  Flowers are blooming everywhere and old houses, vineyards, and gardens loom quietly in secret corners of the grounds.  Next time, I’m hiking because I kept getting off my bike to take pictures and explore!

Gasp! A gateway to where??

Gasp! A gateway to where??

To the Italian Garden! Where I dreamed of fairies, hobbits, and dragons....

To the Italian Garden! Where I dreamed of fairies, hobbits, and dragons….

By this time, my writer's mind was running wild with wonderful stories!

By this time, my writer’s mind was running wild with wonderful stories!

Watch out for trolls!

Watch out for trolls!

But, alas, most of my adventures are not lacking a bit of frustration. After cycling around for quite some time and asking for directions to the main river bike trail, I was informed that

I WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ON THESE TRAILS WITH A BIKE.

Oops. So after going in circles for a while, I finally received the best directions of the day.  Head back out to the main road towards the I-95 intersection, and the bike trails would be on my left.

I finally found the bike trails!

I finally found the bike trails!

The cycling trails are far better marked, meaning they actually have the names posted with clear directions back to the parking or to other trails. It was an incredibly peaceful ride, yet I was quite tired by the time I reached them. Oh, well.  Next time I take the bike, I know exactly where to go.

Cheers to the Easter Bunny

Published April 17, 2014 by Missey Twisted

When I was about seven years old, I spent Easter weekend at the home of my newly married sister. On that wonderful Sunday, my pre-school aged nephew and I excitedly entered the living area, hoping to find baskets stuffed with Peeps, chocolate and other goodies laying in plastic shredded green grass. But instead, we found a wrecked living room with disarrayed couch cushions, blankets, and decorate pillows laying around.
The story the young adults told us curious children was that my brother-in-law spotted the Easter Bunny in the home and chased him around the room.

This was not met with excitement from us kiddos.

In fact, my first thought was something more like this:

18loq0anp8rqcjpg

Night of the Lepus

My little nephew and I stood silent for a bit, staring with wide eyes at the damage done by a rabbit large enough to carry around presents for our baskets.

“What color was he?” my nephew asked.

“Oh, multi-colored. He kept changing colors as he ran around.”

WHAT?!

A color changing rabbit meant only one thing to this Cold War, Generation X child: Mutated.  You mean to tell me that a giant, mutated bunny was in this house?!

Suddenly, this notion was not that scary:

Jesus_crucified

Yep, to me, the Easter Bunny was scarier that a beaten Son of God being brutally crucified and then rising from the grave like some zombie.  Okay. Yeah. It sounds silly, but I’ve always been an imaginative child.

I was too young at that time to appreciate that this prank meant to boost our belief in the Easter Bunny actually strengthened my faith. So the cutesy, capitalistic symbol of Easter and I really haven’t experienced a solid relationship.  And truthfully, who wants to think of the Lord bloody and broken on a Roman cross when flowers are budding, birds are singing, and baby duckies and bunnies are prancing around? But, hey, the Resurrection is my basis for this Spring Time holiday.  Therefore, I never encouraged the belief of a gift giving bunny to my own son. And I only died Easter eggs with him once because it was just such a stinky mess.  By the way, Peeps candies are plain gross.

But then this guy came along:

"The Easter Bunny Is Not a Fable" - Rise of The Guardians

“The Easter Bunny Is Not a Fable” – Rise of The Guardians

Hecks, yeah!! A six foot tall, speedy, boomerang slinging, Australian accented bad-ass that protects me from evil! Voiced by Hugh Jackman, this Easter Bunny explained that Easter is also about “hope” and “new beginnings.”  Therefore, lining up with the Christian belief that one can be “born again.”

So once again, I say thank you to the Easter Bunny for helping to keep my faith strong.  :)

But Peeps are still gross….

 

“Skin, Skin, Let Me In” Published via Sirens Call Publications!

Published November 27, 2013 by Missey Twisted

Woo-Hoo! It is a happy day despite the rain and fighting traffic after grocery shopping just before Turkey Day.  Why, you ask?

After dreaming of being a writer for decades, I got over my neurotic fears and submitted a short horror story of a modernized Southern folklore.  The people I’ve read the story to have never heard of such an antagonist.  So, I’m celebrating Sirens Call Publications anthology

vftg_vol1_final_front_coverFeaturing “Skin, Skin, Let Me In”
written under my pen name
Kameryn James

Synopsis from Sirens Call:
“Voices from the Gloom is an eclectic collection of tales that echo in your mind, making you question what is real and what isn’t.
Whether it’s a mail delivery system with terrifying consequences, a sucker bet with an indelible foe, or a cellar full of family secrets – each of twelve stories contained within will leave you breathless and begging for more.
Let yourself get lost in the different voices. Let their horrific nature speak to you from the shadows. Let them pull you in and wring the morrow from your soul…
Contributing Authors:
Brent Abell, Shaun Avery, Kevin Bannigan Jr., Donna Cuttress, Trevor Firetog, Kameryn James, Katie Jones, Jon Olson, Elaine Pascale, Katerina Russell, Justin M. Ryan, and Tim Wellman

Purchase a Kindle version of the book on this link at Amazon or Smashwords.

Or if you’re like me, and prefer to curl up in bed with an actual book, visit the link on Createspace!

Thanks so much to the Chelmsford Writers Group who greatly helped me edit this story by removing unnecessary characters and cutting out a lot of words.  And thank you very much to Sirens Call Publications!

Spooky Urban Adventure in Salem, Mass

Published November 2, 2013 by Missey Twisted

We’ve watched the July 4th fireworks in Boston.  We have peeped at the leaves on the Kancamangus. We’ve even spent a couple of Thanksgivings at the Macy’s Parade in NYC.  This year, the Mister and I decided to try something new, resulting in the wickedly cook urban adventure of visiting the Halloween capital Salem, Massachusetts one Saturday night.

Festivities such as parades, celebrity guest appearances, and haunted attractions begin at the start of the month. So if you’re like me, and really not interested in shows and tours about women being judged and hung for witchcraft, there is still plenty of adventure. Downtown Salem is very walkable, with restaurants, pubs, and attractions all within walking distance from each other. Parking can be an issue, but I am blessed with a friend/co-worker that lives there and offered us a spot.  I was not prepared for people asking to take pictures with us.  But then again, I was wearing a pretty cool costume.

Here's me as Edward Scissorhands, posing with another famous Johnny Depp character.

Here’s me as Edward Scissorhands, posing with another famous Johnny Depp character.

Passerbys commented “Edward Scissorhands!” or called me “Edwina Scissorhands” with big smiles. One little boy in quite the menacing skull mask asked if he could have one of my “swords.”  That’s when I stepped into character, explaining that they are my hands and that “I’m not finished.” So cute.  People also enjoyed the Mister’s Pumpkin Head costume, which will make an appearance later.  Here are a few more costume photos before we danced for a bit Oneill’s. (where I encountered the scary adventure of a flooded bathroom, and an unfortunate woman dropped her cell phone in the muck.  Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!)

DSCN0497 DSCN0506 DSCN0509

This is why the Easter Bunny creeped me out as a kid....

This is why the Easter Bunny creeped me out as a kid….

With the night growing frigid cold, we decided to partake in an indoor haunted attraction close to Pickering Wharf. Count Orlok’s Nightmare Gallery is a reasonably priced trek through parts of an open wax museum.  During the day, it displays amazing wax figures of our favorite horror movie monsters and characters.  But at night in October, it morphs into a haunted house with screams.  I was chosen as our group’s leader and given a token (penny).  I was to pay a ghoul inside the museum in exchange for our group’s safe return to the outside world.  I was begged not to lose the token, but I assured our group that I had another one in my back pack.  While waiting in line, we met the Cat in the Hat, a freakish clown that I did not want a picture of, and these guys….

Gandalf and Frodo

Gandalf and Frodo

DSCN0515

Vampires, zombies, werewolves, oh my!

Vampires, zombies, werewolves, oh my!

DSCN0518We ended the spooky fun night with a moonlit stroll through Salem’s oldest graveyard. I think we’ll visit here again one Halloween and will definitely visit the wax museum during the day.

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