So back in May, some ex-con and ex-cop/FBI agent friends of mine called me about a huge heist job in Brazil. We modified some muscle cars, and two of the cars reinforced their bumpers and stole a one ton safe full of money. A couple of us drove decoy cop cars to throw off the authorities while my buff and bald friend and ex-cop dragged the safe through the streets of Rio, destroying everything in its wake. I then headed to Tokyo with a hottie named Han.
On my way back to the U.S., an old shipmate of mine tracked me down. He’s missing a leg and blackmailed me into helping him find the Fountain of Youth. He eventually told me a horrific story of how his ship was raided and destroyed by a dude with a black beard, which is how he lost his leg (now a wooden stump filled with rum). Once finding the fountain, we engaged in a battle with the English and Spanish, where I was rescued by my new best friend, a mermaid.
So then, I finally made it back to U.S., and tried to relax in a college town bar/grille. A brainiac professor hit on me with some weird hypothesis about genetic mutations. Before I know it a bunch of teen-agers banned together at some secret government base. The smartest one changed into a hairy blue beast, another one screamed out sonic blasts, but they all used their powers to save us from a missile crisis.
For the heck of it, my friends and I decide to shoot a zombie film with an eight-mm camera we found in someone’s attic. While recording a touching scene at a railroad station, our old biology teacher parks his truck on the tracks on the oncoming train. The train crashed into the truck and freight cars flew in a wickedly spectacular derailment. My buds and I flipped out and ran from the scene and eventually resumed filming of our zombie movie. Meanwhile, engines disappeared from cars and the military showed up, looking for something. When watching the first take of our zombie movie, we saw that a giant ant like alien escaped from the train wreck and is now burrowing under our town. The alien nabbed our hot chic friend, so me and the pyromaniac tracked down the alien in his hideout, and help him rebuild his space ship to return home. That’s all he wanted, people. Geesh.
Upon arriving back at home, a teen-aged neighbor tells me that I missed a vampire hunting party with an eccentric Scottish vampire slayer. Doh! I would have loved to see that!
Okay, so maybe my summer didn’t go quite like that. Maybe it was riddled with rain delays and an economic scare.